Pirates of the Caribbean – Dead Men Tell No Tales

24 September 2018

Pirates of the Caribbean – Dead Men Tell No Tales 2017

• Director: Joachim Rönning, Espen Sandberg
• Based on the book: no
• Cast: Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, Javier Bardem, Brenton Thwaites, Kaya Scodelario with brief appearances by Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom
• Personal “oh yeah him/her” reaction, i.e. have seen this actor in:
• Johnny Depp – Mordtecai, Into the Woods, Transcendence, The Lone Ranger, Dark Shadows, Life’s Too Short, The Rum Diary, Pirates of the Caribbean 1-4, Rango, The Tourist, Alice in Wonderland, Public Enemies, The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus, Sweeney Todd, Corpse Bride, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Libertine, Finding Neverland, Secret Window, Once upon a Time in Mexico, From Hell, Blow, Chocolat, Before Night Falls, The Man Who Cried, Sleepy Hollow, The Astronaut’s Wife, The Ninth Gate, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, The Brave, Donnie Brasco, Nick of Time, Dead Man, Don Juan DeMarco, Ed Wood, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Benny and Joon, Arizona Dream, Edward Scissorhands, Cry Baby, Platoon, Slow Burn, Nightmare on Elm Street  
• Geoffrey Rush – The Book Thief, The King’s Speech, Pirates of the Caribbean, Elizabeth the Golden Age, Ned Kelly, The Banger Sisters, Frida, Shakespeare in Love, Elizabeth, Les Misérables, Shine
• Javier Bardem – Skyfall, No Country for Old Men, Before Night Falls
• Kaya Scodelario – Maze Runner 1&2, Wuthering Heights
• Why? Johnny D, what else?
• Seen:  23 September 2018      

       Cinematic masterpieces they may not be but the Pirates films, at least the first three, are great fun, and who can resist Captain Jack Sparrow?

       I don’t think I’ll bother with the story. They have never been completely essential, nor will this one be. Excitement and humour and lots of Captain Jack, that’s what we want.

       Well, it has a bit of all that but not much. This is mostly slap-stick, with Captain Jack limited to stilted one-liners. The only woman Carina (Scodelario) is just annoying as a scientist with a plunging neckline and Henry (Thwaites) is but a pale offspring of the wonderful Elizabeth Swann (Knightley) and Will Turner (Bloom). Their love story is tepid, at best. Oh, Elizabeth and Will, please come back, and bring Naomi Harris with you!

       On second thought, don’t. It’s time for you all to sail permanently into the sunset. We’ll be happy watching 1-3 over and over again.

       Still, this is marginally better than On Stranger Tides, which was awful, so it’s

2 ½ * of 5